#maybe i should write about kate and buttercup

[kissingmilfs]

i really miss buttercup and wanda, how are they doing

and i am so proud for the job i bet they’ll promote you in no time

-😊

buttercup and wanda 🥺✨

i like to imagine wanda buying all these cute outfits for buttercup (reader). and playing dress up with buttercup 😭

“c’mon, kitten! mommy bought you some new clothes while i was out shopping.”

and buttercup is so in love with wanda that you just go along with it. sometimes you’re a little grumpy but wanda kisses your pout continuously while getting you dressed. she takes a lot of pictures of you and sends it to almost everyone!

natasha’s reaction: “lol how many times did you try to get that bow in her hair?”

agatha’s reaction: “pets should be naked at all times.” …5 minutes later… “there’s a purple lace bralette i wanna see her in.”

kate’s reaction: “WAAAAAAA SHES SO CUTE PLS CAN I COME OVER N PLAY WITH HER PROMISE ILL BE GOOD I MISS HER SM PLS GIVE HER A KISS FOR ME”

monica’s reaction: “oh wow! she’s a model, wands!”

okoye’s reaction: “i don’t understand why you send me these pictures all the time. i know what buttercup looks like.”

[buckybarnesss]

on fire: a teen wolf novel chapters 4-6 chapters 1-3 here

cox communications doesn't respect 3rd shift workers so last night i had to go into my brick and mortar office. i was able to get a lot of reading done but due to rules and regulations i was unable to write down my thoughts as i went. instead i used those little sticky note tabs to mark passages of interest so that's why this post took a little bit longer as i had to review what i had marked.

anyway.

our national nightmare continues.

ngl this book is weird. it's bizarro season 1.

it's non-canon compliant post-episode 5 the tell. i genuinely do not understand why they just didn't tap nancy holder to write a novelization of season 1.

warning: kate argent's existence and general grossness.

so buckle up buttercups here's a preview of what's to come:

we start this chapter from kate's point of view and it makes me feel dirty already. cast it into the fire, isildur. she’s just vile. just look at these nauseating quotes that she has all within the first page: 

“nothing beat the feel of cold, hard steel -- unless it was the rippling muscles of a well-built man.”

this bitch.

”god, all those muscles. the last time she’d seen him, he’d still been in high school. still a kid. a stupid, gullible kid, who should have died in the hale house fire along with the rest of his family.”

tell me again how the intention wasn't for derek to have been a minor when kate was grooming him? tell me fucking again.

“maybe she should’ve taken advantage of derek while he’d been down on the floor, writhing from the nine hundred thousand volts she’d sent skittering though his kick-ass body. for old time’s sake.”

chris and victoria are there too, being way more normal about things. they brought egg salad and cold cuts which feels like it’s hitting the beat where victoria comes in with cookies in the show. 

despite having grounded allison for her skipping school with scott on her birthday they are perfectly fine with her having not only a study date with lydia but allowing her to sleep over. it’s apparently to cover the arrival of a shipment of weapons. kate isn’t impressed that they’re still hiding everything from allison and disappointed there isn’t some super-special weapon in the shipment. 

this entire time she’s being weird and kind of sexual about an uzi. like, fuck off kate. 

now we’re back to scott and allison at the seedy motel plot where they are trying to locate jackson. “scott’s first instinct was to throw his arms around allison and duck, but she yanked the door open and barreled inside the motel like a superhero.”  uou are goddamn right, scott. that is ally a. 

the motel is basically an off the books brothel. one of the patrons supposedly saw something in one of the windows when he went open it for a smoke but saw something that scared him causing a heart attack. allison and scott ask a few people if they’ve seen jackson then have to book it when sheriff stilinski shows up.  these two idiots duck down in her car. i think we see stiles and scott do this a few times in the show.

lydia calls allison freaked out that she hadn’t called her back yet and harkens back to the tell by saying “a....window?” when they tell her about the man having a heart attack and scott describes her as sounding odd. i appreciate that lydia's trauma isn't being ignored because that just happened to her in the tell.

all this use of the generic where’s my phone app and using conference calls to sneak around feels like an adaptation of the plot beat in wolf’s bane.

the sterek agenda continues. derek and stiles spend a significant portion of the coming chapters together much like they do in the back half of season 1. it starts with the possible origin of the derek being in stiles’s room trope. stiles muses over the text he’d received from scott about the incident at the motel and as if being summoned derek is just suddenly there in his room. look at this bullshit:

he texted back, muttering, “so, scott, saw what? saw derek?” “yes?” derek said from behind him. “yeaoww!” stiles shouted. he turned around to find derek leaning against the wall. he did that on an irritatingly frequent basis, both at scott’s house and casa stilinski. he was wearing his black leather jacket and he looked especially pouty and broody. “could you not do that anymore? it is so not cool.”

irritatingly frequent basis? how many times has derek randomly appeared in your room stiles? and i’m sorry “especially pouty and broody”? what a totally super casual observation that is.

it gets even better. derek questions what scott is doing and stiles deadass answers “doin’ stuff.” which naturally irritates derek and derek requests stiles tell scott he wants to meet him. they’re interrupted by the sheriff calling for stiles to which we get:

“gotta go get that.” Stiles pointedly shut down his desktop -- Derek actually growled -- and slid his phone into the pocket of his jeans. “don’t touch anything.”

derek why are you growling? weirdo.

stiles talks to his dad and probes for information about the motel guy and they discuss his homework. it's actually a pretty great conversation between the two and pretty much the only time it occurs in the book.

there’s a mention of stiles’s mother and the sheriff asks stiles if he’s taken his adderall that day. so again, clearly whatever notes holder received very much indicated stiles's ADHD.

back in stiles’s room we get derek pointedly having ignored stiles’s directive to not touch anything: “he zoomed back into his room to find derek clacking away on his computer keyboard.” and “hey,” he said. “keep your paws off.” derek gave him one of his trademark sour glares.” this just continues to confirm for me that holder received some kind of outline of character and plot beats. casa stilinski? sour glares? derek and stiles doing investigative work and going to a hospital? stiles having a low key bisexual crisis over derek? it’s all there. i mean bro look at this:

“look,” derek leaned toward him and the hairs on the back of stiles’s neck stood straight up.”

and the banter:

“but don’t do anything wolfy in my jeep,” he said, opening his door and peering into the hallway. the coast was clear. “like stick our head out the window to let your tongue hang out --” “shut up,” derek said. 

here's another werewolf moment i find rather intriguing. scott and allison have made it to the preserve by this point still hot on the trail of jackson who lydia had told them was somewhere in the preserve. scott has a moment where in his mind he hears the how of a wolf. it says “an echo inside an echo” and “one wolf calling to another. seeking the pack.” that's pretty cool and it's not something shows up in the show.

jackson has finally arrived. i miss this asshole. he's in the woods being pissy about meeting the private investigator that had left him a note and a picture of his supposed biological father.

jackson’s perspective on what happened in magic bullet is just [chef’s kiss]. he refers to derek as scott’s drug dealer.

“mccall’s creepy drug dealer had shown up at school. when jackson had stood up to him, he’d grabbed him by the neck, and, like, gouged him with his fingernails.”

in jackson’s narration something caught my eye. “things had been fine before the start of the school year. Then it was almost as if McCall had concocted some kind of scheme over the summer to ruin his life.” so not only is this book an AU of season 1, the time frame seems off. the show starts the first day after their winter break in january. wolf moon takes place during the episode. the book places this before wolf moon has occurred which comes up later in derek’s narration. 

 this is such a good line and is a window into jackson’s mentality: “everyone wanted something jackson had. it was usually money or popularity. the secret? they were exactly the same thing.”

allison and scott are still in the woods. they’ve been kissing for a while but then they run into a wolf. they are really so soppy in this book and it's both accurate and annoying. allison is awed and scott is quietly panicking. allison goes on about how she thought it was beautiful and scott’s mind wonders if he’ll ever turn into a wolf like how Laura did. which, lol, no baby because you never make peace fully with being a werewolf. 

annnnd we’re back to the stiles and derek plot line. they’re playing dress up. i kid you not. these two are pulling a dean and sam. 

“my new best friend and i are at the hospital.” stiles said, twirling the listening end of a stethoscope in a little circle. so far he’d been unable to hypnotize derek with it.

there’s another small dig about derek not being a real person in stiles’s narration. this book hates derek, okay but i have a lo more on that later. for now these two idiots infiltrated the hospital by pulling the old stand by of Looking Important. stiles has a conversation with scott which is invoking wolf’s bane so hard:

“and you’ll never guess what. you can get past hospital security if you steal a white coat out of the storage room and parade around with it and a clipboard.” derek grunted. he was the one holding the clipboard, but he had passed on wearing a lab coat.”

stiles continues his observations of derek like the freak4freak he is:

“stiles covered the phone, “he can’t talk about wolfie matters,” he reported back to derek.  “because he’s with her,” derek said, looking even more dour than usual. stiles had never realized there were so many degrees of the brood until derek hale came into their lives.”

there’s a bit of back and forth regarding scott reporting that he and allison saw an actual wolf. derek’s disbelieving and cranky to which stiles ponders this totally normal thought:

“maybe if he gave derek a sugar cube -- or threw him a piece of raw meat -- derek might cheer up. stiles would have to try that someday. but today wasn’t looking good for that.”

derek then snatches stiles’s phone to question scott’s whereabouts. he is still cranky. meanwhile stiles is reading derek’s body language and it’s way too detailed for a normal person. like, stiles no one cares derek’s hand is in his jacket pocket while he grumps at scott and emphasizes “like always”. stiles how hard have you been watching derek? he may have complained about derek showing up in his room unnaounced but he's like

before we get into derek’s narration which ooh boy guys you aren’t ready. stiles and derek have their classic bickering-bantering some more. 

derek’s insisting stiles take him to the preserve so he can scent scott out. stiles is appalled and is like “oh my god derek you weirdo there’s an app for that.” and gets a little red riding hood dig in.

derek refuses to admit stiles has a point but orders stiles to give him his phone. stiles all but says Fuck You No and derek brings out his oldie but goodie:

“tell me or i’ll rip your throat out.” 

stiles probably thinks “don’t threaten me with a good time” but instead he says that he knows derek’s not telling him everything and insists he’s going with derek to find scott. 

it ends on this exchange:

“all right,” he said, “but we’ll take your jeep.” stiles huffed. “why can’t we ever take your car?” 

alas the camero. we barely knew her.

now we switch to derek’s point of view to narrate and so begins a piece of characterization that i don’t like, isn’t actually accurate to the character at any point in the series and frankly chaps my ass. i’m just going to give you all the paragraph as a whole.

“hey, you have to take me with you.,” scott’s annoying little sidekick insisted as derek stalked out of the hospital. derek took a tiny bit of satisfaction in the way the human had to trot along to stay abreast. he was sick to death of taking the weakness of humans into account while formulating his plans. de respected power, and few humans had any.”

besties, this book may very well be the origin of Derek Thinks Humans Are Weak trope. now, i’m sure some of you are like heather aren’t you perhaps being a tad dramatic? 

no. no i’m not. at first i considered this might be because of derek’s experience with kate. it would make sense that perhaps based off the information holder had that derek might be wary but than this fucker drops this line:

“werewolves didn’t share information with humans, ever.”

but he follows this thought with this:

“except for him, derek hale. he had shared information with a human. he hadn’t meant to. and the results had been disastrous.”

i will definitely get into more detail about this attitude he has because it really comes out in some later chapters because ooooh boy y’all ain’t prepared for the nonsense ahead. in actual canon derek never behaves this way or express this kind of opinion about humans. it stands out starkly in contrast to the episode this moment is paralleling in wolf’s bane. derek thinks stiles is annoying but not because he’s human. 

we end this chapter on jackson’s point of view. de had met with the so-called private investigator and they tit-for-tatted and jackson bolted when he sensed danger in the woods. now he’s lost in the woods. he’s scared, doesn’t want to admit it and sends a text to lydia.

it's here in these chapters where i realized that the character of deaton is missing entirely. since all of season 1's plot past the tell is omitted deaton's significance went with it.

also the mystery of the alpha is present but she's unable to really do anything with it so peter's presence is still regulated to comatose burn victim.

[sentientcave]

I think you should write a whole novel about the cast of COD as the Princess Bride characters! You should you should you should!

WELL IF YOU INSIST *pulls up notes*

The original idea I had was for screenshot redraws and it was because I thought that Gaz would look good in that, and I quote, "Cunty little black number" and since he already has the right mustache, you just know he's the right man for the part. Also, like Early said, he's definitely an As You Wish kind of guy.

I'm putting this under a readmore because it got kinda long lmao

Soap as Inigo Montoya - I think it's a perfect fit, and I was fresh off of finishing the 09 MW2 where he fucking pulls a knife out of his chest to kill Shepherd with?? Like I know that's Captain Soap and not Sergeant but if that's not a parallel to Inigo getting run through and still chasing a man down to kill him I don't know what is.

Ghost as Fezzik - Huge scary guy with a penchant for jokes? That's our Simon. Not to mention he's got to be the other half of any dynamic duo that Soap's in. It's only right. Do Not Separate.

Graves as Vizzini - "You fool! You've fallen victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well known is this: Never go up against a SicilianTexan when death is on the line!" *dies* (Need I say more? Honestly Iconic moment)

Now for Buttercup there are two perfect choices, coming down to whether I'd be playing this for maximum laughs or taking it slightly more seriously:

Farah: I feel like she gets left out a lot and she's like, ridiculous pretty and I love to draw her. This would be the slightly more serious version. The main downside to this is I don't really see Farah and Gaz having any particular chemistry, which leads us to our next option...

Price: OKAY LISTEN you can't tell me that you wouldn't like to see Price's big hairy tits in a dress I refuse to believe it. And my friend Lisa brought up the "There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world, it would be a pity to damage yours." line and like. That's hilarious. Also canonically Price is the guy that Gaz is at his most As You Wish for so it really just makes sense.

Makarov as Prince Humperdink - This is another point for Buttercup Price because lmaooo.

Also if Farah isn't Buttercup she and Alex can be Mad Max and his wife. Or maybe Nik and Kate could be? I do think Kate chasing Nik around a table and saying "Makarov" over and over at him would be pretty fucking funny too. Probably funnier. Hard to say.

König as Count Rugen/The Six-Fingered Man - I'm pretty sure Makarov has some little sidekick guy that maybe would be a good choice for this guy too, but since it was Early's post that reminded me of all this nonsense I think König should play one of the few characters that actually dies, as a treat. I'm pretty sure he owes them $50 so Soap can collect that off his corpse for her.

If I went with the Farah Buttercup, Price would play the Grandpa and also every random bit background part while wearing different hats. I think this is a funny gag, and I did this once for a cheap rendition of Hamlet to great effect. Between three wigs, a couple of construction paper mustaches and a paper crown, I was able to really fill out the cast. Price is at least as good an actor as I am, so I have faith in him.

So yeah! There are a few other rando characters but I'd just choose random guys from the multiplayer probably. Roll a dice on them mfs. This was a very long answer (Although not quite a novel, I have failed you) and it's a very silly idea that I still might tackle one of these days. At the time I didn't have a working digital tablet so I thought it would be like, a lot of work for what amounts to a gag, but now that I DO have a working digital tablet the only thing stopping me is that I haven't had the whim to do any art recently. But I might today while I'm thinking about it.

[jgreenfeld]

meet the muse;

jessica abigail greenfeld | 22 | bisexual | irish-american | aeronautical engineering student/mechanic | potterhead | supernerd | oreo addict | bookworm | cheerleader

10 FICTIONAL CHARACTERS

1. Harry Potter

Your obsession with Harry freakin' Potter is a timeless affair. You read the first book tucked into a corner on the a tour bus, musicians fiddling with their instruments all around you, but you were lost to them. You were too busy learning spells, playing Quidditch and fancying yourself Mrs Jessica Potter. Sure, a lot of your friends have outgrown their Harry Potter phase, but you don't think that'll ever happen to you. He was never just a character to you, he was a comfort when you were recovering from your illness and figuring out what life was going to be like without being able to hear things from now on. You lost quite a number of things after the meningitis hit, but you never lost Harry. He taught you how to be brave and true and a little bit sassy, and you're always going to love him.

2. Atticus Finch

Your father is a mechanic, not a lawyer. He wears sports jerseys instead of tweed suits. But he's still the closest thing to Atticus Finch that this world is going to get - in your eyes anyway. Your dad was the first one to introduce you to To Kill A Mockingbird. He panicked and shoved his own copy into your hands after you finished the fifth Harry Potter book and spent three straight hours wailing over Sirius. Of course, TKAM wasn't going to be something that necessarily cheered you up, but you were hooked from the get-go. Atticus taught you how to be just and fair. He taught you to think about what it would be like to walk a mile in someone else's shoes. He taught you valuable life lessons that you still carry today, and even though it would be impossible to hope that everyone in the world could be more like him, you could at lease try to channel all that energy yourself. You like to think that he taught you how to be a better person.

3. Mark Watney

Mark Watney taught you that space is dangerous and terrifying and that it has the potential to be the very death of you. He taught you that it's vast and empty and nothing but a challenge. And it only made you love it even more. When your father picked up on your space obsession, right after your solar system model won first prize at the middle school science fair, he gave you a copy of The Martian. In all honesty, he had no clue what it was about but the name hinted that he was on the right path. You devoured it whole. Or rather... you spent the full night yelling at your book whenever something traumatic happened and Michelle fully attempted to smother you with a literal pillow just to get you to shut up. Mark Watney made you fall in love with space even more, and he kickstarted your desire to work for NASA one day. When you feel like you're never going to make it, you just need to look to him for a kick up the ass.

4. Gilbert Blythe

Gilbert Blythe is the very first love of your life. You understand that there's a high chance you’re not his type, because when he tugs on Anne's pigtails and calls her 'carrots', she hits him over the head with a slate and it's love at first sight for him because of that. If Gilbert Blythe ever tugged on your hair to get your attention, then you probably would have just decided to marry him right then and there. Still, what's not to love about him? He's kind and he's funny and he's smart and he cares about school. Perhaps you would be relationship goals based solely on the fact that you're a nerd and he's a nerd. But you'll never get to test that theory out, which is a shame. In the meantime, Gilbert is setting the standards for all other men and he's raised the bar to a whole other level.

5. Paddington Bear

Paddington Bear is the reason you demanded a duffle coat and red wellies at the age of six. He's the reason you wanted to travel to Darkest Peru whenever a family vacation was brought up. And he's the reason that you still unironically enjoy a marmalade sandwich, even to this day. Plus, he's cuddly and kind and the exact friend you think anyone should have. Honestly, you'd love to be someone's answer to Paddington Bear.

6. Matt Saracen

You're never going to be a football player and, to be quite honest, you never really want to be. You're tiny and any tackle would crush you in an instant. Soccer, on the other hand, is different. And then, of course, there's cheerleading. Matt Saracen was never a cheerleader, although you have total faith in him and believe that he could be anything he wanted to be. He was a football player though, and had always been desperate to be one, despite shortcomings like money and being one of the younger kids on the team. You relate to that. Friday Night Lights taught you all about teamwork. You love being part of a group like that, whether that be the girls soccer team or the cheerleading squad. It's what you miss most about high school, that sense of belonging. You love your family but Michelle likes to make your life a living hell, Brendan can only defend you so much and Gabby has her head in the clouds half the time. Matt taught you that sometimes it's okay to feel way more at home when you're part of a team.

7. Leslie Knope

She likes waffles, she likes fairness and she loves her friends. Leslie Knope is exactly the kind of woman that you want to grow up to be. Maybe you don't have a future in politics, but that's okay! You can still embody her in all the ways that are important. You're a feminist, you would happily arrange a wedding ceremony for two gay penguins and you would absolutely die for Michelle Obama. Leslie Knope is that caring and goofy friend that you want to be, and while you're not as savvy as her or as good with words, and you absolutely do not have her knack for public speaking, you wake up every morning and tell yourself that you're going to be a Pawnee Goddess that day.

8. Clint Barton

You watch the Avengers and you fall in love with superheroes. Your dad seems bolstered by this since he's been trying to get you to read comics for years now, and this eventually persuades you. You discover that you're a die-hard Captain America fan and there are several failed attempts to write a popular Steve/Bucky story when you foray into fanfiction, only to realise you're nowhere near as gifted a writer as you think you are. But you still love this world and these characters and it's like a blanket gets wrapped around you when you find out Clint Barton is actually deaf in the comics. Just like you. You devour Hawkguy, trawl the internet for all the meta discourse and fanfiction you can find and you even dress up as Kate Bishop one Halloween. Clint Barton teaches you that you can have a disability and still be a superhero.

9. Luke Skywalker

There was no way that you were making it through your childhood without discovering Luke. And Leia and Han and Chewie. But Luke was the one that stuck with you most and your dad was very proud of you for that. He's a hero, but not the typical rough-and-tough, 'needs a damsel in distress to save' sort of hero. He teaches you that you can save the galaxy and still be loyal and compassionate and have a good heart. You don't need to be jaded to be a hero, and it's okay to show emotion. And sometimes it's okay to be a little bit of a drama queen as well. You appreciate that last one.

10. Buttercup

The Princess Bride is one of the few movies that you and Michelle actually agree on. Or rather, you like all movies and she hates anything that you like. But even Michelle can't say no to The Princess Bride. Buttercup is a character who undergoes development, giving you hope that maybe one day Michelle will also go through that same growth and decides that she wants you to be her sister. Perhaps it's a pipe dream but you never give up hope. Buttercup also teaches you that you can fall hard and fast for someone who says 'as you wish' to your every command and like, you get that. You're pretty sure that you'd die on the spot should anyone say that to you.

9 TWEETS

@jupiterjess: i've ran out of oreos. is my life even worth living anymore?

@jupiterjess: the new cheerleading captain at jasper high messaged me for tips. LITTLE OLD ME. i'm blushing hardcore.

@jupiterjess: thank you so much to everyone who failed to tell me i've been walking around with a chocolate milk moustache all day!!!!! you're the best guys!!!!!! thanks!!!!!

@jupiterjess: do you ever just. stop and think. about exoplanets?? someone come hold my hand and talk to me about exoplanets.

@jupiterjess: HAPPY BIRTHDAY HARRY JAMES POTTER, YOU'RE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!!!!!

@jupiterjess: america, i have no idea what you're doing right now, but you need to be better than this. wake up and smell the racism.

@jupiterjess: 'it's a power that jedi have that lets them control people and... makes things float.' rEY asdfgh

@jupiterjess: as a bisexual, the trailer for 'last christmas' has been very difficult for me. thoughts and prayers for jess in this trying time.

@jupiterjess: @NASA i love u

8 FACTS ABOUT SPACE

1. Halleys Comet won’t orbit past earth again until 2061

JESS' INPUT: Okay, so here's another fun fact about Halleys Comet! At Disney's Magic Kingdom, Main Street USA is connected to Tomorrowland by one thing and one thing only. Main Street's design is based on the year 1910, and Tomorrowland's design is based on the year 1986. What do those two years have in common? That was when Halleys Comet orbited past Earth! ... That's more of a Disney World fact, but pretty cool all the same, huh?

2. A full NASA spacesuit costs $12,000,000.

JESS' INPUT: 12 million! That's so much money, holy smokes. Honestly, imagine going around wearing an outfit that cost 12 million dollars. Wouldn't be me! I'm getting anxiety just thinking about it.

3. There may be a planet made out of diamonds.

JESS' INPUT: Okay, so this planet is like, 40 lightyears away and it's eight times the size of earth. Researchers think it could be made of graphite and diamonds and everyone is like 'wow, that's cool!' And okay. yeah, I get it. Diamond planet. That's super cool. But you know what isn't cool? That episode of Doctor Who where they went to the diamond planet and that one woman got possessed. That was the opposite of cool.

4. The footprints on the moon will be there for 100 million years.

JESS' INPUT: There's no atmosphere on the moon so the footprints there can't be eroded by wind or anything like that. So those footprints are going to be there for practically forever. Imagine being Buzz and Neil and being able to flex like that. I went to the grocery store the other day, accidentally dropped a jar of Marmite and then stood in it - so my footprint was there because the cashier couldn't handle the Marmite-y smell for long enough to clean it up and apparently I wasn't allowed to help for 'health and safety'. So at least my footprint is going to be imprinted somewhere. Just nowhere that's as cool as the moon.

5. The moon was once a piece of the earth.

JESS' INPUT: People think that there was some sort of collision which made a part of earth break off. They say it was an early protoplanet of Mars called Theia. Anyway, Theia made the moon break away from Earth but it stayed around to orbit us because of the Earth's gravitational pull. Don't you love the moon? She's a lesbian queen! Hey, maybe Theia had a crush on her or something and just went about it like, the wrong way.

6. There is floating water in space.

JESS' INPUT: Uh huh! So there's this massive water vapour cloud that astronauts found and it holds - oh my gosh, get reads for this - it holds 140 trillion times the mass of Earth's oceans. My head is honestly spinning just thinking about it. 140 trillion! That's crazy!

7. There is a volcano on Mars three times the size of Everest.

JESS' INPUT: Yep, her name is Olympus Mons and I would personally like to know why she didn't have a starring role in The Martian. Maybe it's because she would have easily outshined Matt Damon. Sorry, Matt.

8. In 3.75 billion years, the Milky Way and Andromeda Galaxies will collide.

JESS' INPUT: I'll be honest, my brain doesn't even know where to begin processing this. I can't... compute. What is this... I can't... Sorry, I'm shutting down. Jess out!

7 OREO FLAVOURS

7. Hot & Spicy Cinnamon Oreos. - you can pretend you can handle spicy food by eating one of these. and doesn't that make you look cultured, huh? still... it's a weird mix of flavours. 5/10. 6. Peeps Oreos. - a solid 7/10 for taste... but you still feel guilty about eating a fluffy marshmallow chicken, hence the low ranking. 5. Oreo Mini. - all the 10/10 taste of a regular oreo but they're tiny so it's very easy to hide them when you want to sneakily eat them in class! a solid 12/10 for being so gosh darn convenient. 4. Golden Oreos. - look, you were brought up in ireland and that means that sometimes you just really, really want a custard cream, okay? this is america's answer to that and it comes in a delicious, compact oreo form. *chef's kiss* exquisite. 8.5/10 3. Mint Oreos. - honestly, it's so easy to feel halfway to sophisticated when you eat one of these. a solid 9/10. 2. Red Velvet Oreos. - CREAM CHEESE IS THE PEOPLE'S CHEESE!!! 10/10!!!!!! 1. Cinnamon Bun Oreos. - you nearly cried when you tasted these for the first time. the sun was shining. obama was president. your skin was clear, your crops were growing. the promise of tomorrow was as bright and warm as the feeling in your chest when that cinnamon-y biscuit-y goodness first met your tastebuds. you could write an essay on cinnamon bun oreos. 100000/10.

6 FAMILY MEMBERS

1. Jensen Greenfeld

Your dad is probably your favourite person in the world. You'd do anything for him - including deferring your college acceptance to keep an eye on him, because that's what family does. He's your rock, your best friend, and he's the most giving person you've ever met in your life. He and your mum met in university when he studied abroad for a year and they were instantly best friends, keeping in touch long after they'd graduated and your dad moved back home. He knew your mum always wanted a kid and so he gave her you. It's unconventional, you know that, and most people raised their eyebrows at him helping another woman conceive in such a short time after his wife passed away, but that's the kind of person your dad is. Generosity helped him through his grief. How could anyone criticise that? He taught you how to ride a bike, change a leaky exhaust and adopted Comet for you so you wouldn't feel so lonely when you moved to New York to be with him. When he ended up in hospital, you were beside yourself. But not because you had to stay with him now instead of going to college like you'd planned. You could never begrudge him that, not when so much of his own life has been dedicated to making sure you were happy.

2. Magda McTaggert

Your mum has never had the easiest life. Disowned by her parents after she came out to them, she had to make her own way in the world. That's something you've never been able to relate to, because she made sure that you always had people who loved you. When you were sick as a kid, she stayed up with you every night, barely getting any sleep herself. She was your champion when you began to learn sign language, and she held your hand when the doctors first began talking about your cochlear implants. You miss her when she's in Ireland and you're in America, but she's only ever a Skype call away.

3. Kinsey McTaggert

Technically, Kinsey is your step-mother. But you rarely refer to her as that. She's your ma. She's been in your life since you were three-years-old so keeping her at arms-length with a 'step' term doesn't feel right to you when she's just as much your family as your mum and dad are. Sure, you'll call her by your first name but that's because Kinsey is so terrifyingly, inexplicably, astronomically cool. She's been managing bands for her whole life, she has pink hair and she let you come on tour when you were younger and being homeschooled. Your fondest memories are the tour bus with your mum and Kinsey and whatever up and coming rockers had adopted you as their little sister. Kinsey is the reason you felt alright leaving your mum behind to start school in America. You know she's in safe hands with her wife.

4. Michelle Greenfeld

Michelle has pretty much hated you since the day you were born. Perhaps 'hate' is a strong word, but she highly dislikes you and never let you forget the fact that you're only her half-sister. In some ways, you get it. You came into the family shortly after her mum had died. Her dad had a kid with another woman and, even though there were absolutely no romantic feelings involved, it still must have felt like a kick in the teeth. You try your best to be accommodating of her feelings because you know she's not all bad. The ways she treats Brendan and especially Gabby is proof of that. She can be the perfect big sister - unfortunately, just not to you.

5. Brendan Greenfeld

Brendan likes you though, and you're so happy about that. Brendan is exactly what you want in a big brother. He's protective and funny and taught you all the cheats for his video games, so you're basically unstoppable when it comes to Mario Kart now. He was also the one that told Gabby to shut up when she saw you for the first time after you lost your hearing. He took learning sign language in his stride and always makes sure there's room for you to sit at movie night. Sometimes you worry that, if it ever came down to it, he'd still pick Michelle over you - full sibling loyalty and all. But maybe that's doing Brendan an injustice, because he's never been anything other than the perfect big brother to you.

6. Gabby Greenfeld

Gabby is a sweetheart. She might be a little flaky at times and come out with mildly offensive things, but you know that she means well. Michelle is her favourite but she loves you as well, even if she often turns her nose up at your love for scrunchies and denim jackets. She'd rather get you to wear something sparkly and show-y and while you'll never say no to glitter, you don't think that Gabby's closet is quite for you. In fact, you're pretty sure only she can pull it off. Gabby is wild and free and doesn't care what anyone thinks of her. She's loving and loud and you want to make sure that you get to keep her around forever.

5 MEMORIES

memory one

You blush when Tor lets out a low whistle. "Some talent you've got there, Little J," he says. That makes you blush even more. Tor is just so nice. And has a handsome face. Kinsey says you're far too young to like boys yet and that you're far too smart to like someone like Tor. She says he goes through girls like a revolving door and you're not sure what that means, but you like the attention from him anyway. "I was just messing around," you smile, your fingers trailing over the keys again. He tips back his head and laughs. "Well, mess around anymore and I might be out of a job. Are you trying to upstage me?" Tor teases. Grinning, you shake your head and Serge wanders over. Normally, he's so tall and silent and sort of intimidating but his smile is warm when he reaches over to ruffle your hair. "Say the word and I'll kick Tor to the curb in an instant, Jess," he promises solemnly. You know that they're just joking, but it's nice to feel that sort of validation. Especially when you're a little kid and they're rockstars. That's why music is so special, it brings everyone together, even Irish Harry Potter enthusiasts and charming keyboardists with pretty eyes.

memory two

The headache has cleared up but you still feel groggy and confused and so you fall back asleep again, promising yourself that you'll ask after your mum when you wake up again. Because maybe then you'll be able to hear her. There's no such luck when you come to again. Everything is silent and it's too weird to even begin describing. You're confused at first but your mum's tears, your dad's shell-shocked expression and the grim line set around Kinsey's mouth helps you to put the pieces together. There's a kind looking doctor who's writing something on a notepad for you, and you already know what it's going to say before he places it in your lap. You've worked it out. You're deaf. It's as if years fall away from you at that moment. It's hard to reconcile the news with everything you know about yourself. Your whole childhood has been music and now what? That's gone away and you're just meant to be okay with it? How is that fair? With shaking hands, you take the pen from the doctor and write a reply. As soon as your mum reads it, she starts crying again but your dad finds it in himself to smile and he reaches over to squeeze your knee through the hospital bedsheets. He still has that piece of paper which is stupidly sentimental of him and you love him for it. It read: Okay. What's next?

memory three

At first, you were excited. After years of homeschooling, you're finally going to a proper high school and you get to see your dad every day. What's not to love about all of that? However, now that you're in New York, the nerves have started to settle in. What if no one wants to be your friend? What if the kids at school are weird about the deaf thing? What if they try and touch your implant? What if they don't let you join the soccer team even though Kinsey bought you new cleats specifically for that? Most of all, what if Michelle tries to smother you in your sleep? Your dad laughs when you voice that one aloud. "Don't you think you're being a little bit dramatic?" he asks you, fondly smoothing down your hair. You laugh along with him but you aren't so sure. That night at dinner, Michelle spears a meatball with her fork in such an aggressive manner, glaring at you all the while, that you think you're about to faint. No, you don't think you're being dramatic at all.

memory four

"Jess? Jess, are you alright?" At first, you can't even reply. You're too speechless. With shaking hands, you present him with the letter - your CalTech acceptance letter. Your dad cheers at once and he scoops you up into a hug and you think that you could just die of happiness right then and there. You're going to be studying aeronautical engineering. All of the hard work, the late night physics reading, the dedication to science club, the hours spent in your dad's garage understanding engines, the grease and oil covering your hands and your hair and your face. It was all worth it. And now it's one step closer to NASA.

memory five

A heart attack. Your dad isn't even old, and as far as you know he's always had a clean bill of health so what's changed. You stay silent all the way to the hospital and Brendan lets you. When you arrive, Gabby hugs you and even Michelle manages a watery smile your way. Then all four of you are allowed into see him. He's lying in bed, tubes attached to him, but he's sitting upright and he smiles at you, his kids, even if he does look sleepy. Then he cracks some sort of joke and hell if you can remember what it is. But that's what makes you cry. The idea of college goes flying right out the window. He argues with you, naturally. So you lie and tell him you were never that sure about it anyway. He doesn't believe you at first because that career path has been the only thing you've ever been sure about since you were 11-years-old. Maybe you're a good actress because eventually he relents and lets you stay with him. Or maybe, deep down, he's scared to be on his own now too.

4 CRUSHES

1. Tor Eklund

keyboard player for The Corkscrews

has the nicest set of teeth in the world

went through girls like a revolving door according to Kinsey

called you 'little J'

total dreamboat

saw you as a little sister

2. Graham O'Connell

striker for the boys football team in Ireland

had never seen or read Harry Potter but he had floppy hair so you were willing to make allowances

always complimented your football boots

was your first kiss

asked if the two of you could keep in touch when you moved to Canada

messaged you one day to say he'd started watching Harry Potter

you were overjoyed

messaged you again to say he didn't really like Remus Lupin

you well and truly dodged that bullet, didn't you?

3. Amanda Forbes

literally the prettiest girl you've ever seen in your life

was visiting Jasper in the summer with her family

was also a cheerleader

your bisexual awakening

said she wanted to kiss you because she had never kissed a girl before

kissed you lots of times that summer

ghosted you when she left and has a boyfriend now

well, fine then, Amanda

4. Steve Rogers aka Captain America

I mean, you're only bloody human, aren't you?

3 JOBS

1. Neighbourhood Dog Walker

You were fourteen. You needed some money. You loved dogs. It made perfect sense. All the neighbours trusted you to look after their pooches and you made about twenty different canine friends.

2. Apprentice Mechanic

When you told your dad you wanted to be an aeronautical engineer, he said that you needed hands on experience. It helped that he owned an auto shop. Convenient, right? He thought a week working alongside him would help you get to grips with things and prepare you for college. You kept working there for three years. You loved it so much.

3 Aeronatucial Engineer

With your dad on the mend, it doesn’t seem like such a pipe dream anymore. Now you’re at NYU and you feel lucky that they want you to study with them. It’s not CalTech but it’s still one step closer to NASA, and this way you still get to be close to your dad.

2 DOGS

1. Comet

2. Sirius

1 JESS

Bubbly, optimistic, generous, strong-willed, determined, resilient, resourceful, courageous, cheery, nurturing, reckless, stubborn, lacks self-awareness, self-conscious, easily influenced, cares too much about what other people think of her, total Gryffindor, eats too many Oreos, space nerd, deaf, soccer player, cheerleader, dog mom, half-Irish, half-American.

[so-litudinal]

apr. 8-17, 2017

I could use a change or two

> names:

Mona Sergei / Sergueï Joseph / Yossef / Yusuf Puer (Mater) Jacob

> Emily Dickinson, poem 867:

I felt a Cleaving in my Mind – As if my Brain had split – I tried to match it – Seam by Seam But could not make them fit – The thought behind, I strove to join Unto the thought before – But Sequence ravelled out of Sound Like Balls – upon a Floor –

> It’s been days and days that I’ve been meaning to write, that I actually have wanted to share or at least word out certain thoughts and impressions. Like every other time I postponed my writing and then eventually came to it, my first impulse is to scribble awkward explanations, almost excuses — for whom and what for, no need to ask. It is again (though I’m not sure I can accurately single out a moment in the recent past where this was not the case) this state of rampant fatigue. I was just reading an introduction to Emily Dickinson’s poems earlier and while remarking on her occasionally (and presumably) unstable mental health, the author referred to catatonia. I looked into it a little more and what I read, for the most part, really hit home. I should ban Wikipedia from my information resources but... “[la catatonie] est une forme de schizophrénie caractérisée par des périodes de passivité et de négativisme alternant avec des excitations soudaines.” O-K-É (One thing led to another, I ended up reading about aboulia/apragmatisme and avolition/aboulie. On the French wiki page of the latter, it is said that “aboulie” can be mistaken with the syndrome of psychic auto-activation loss (syndrome de perte d’auto-activation psychique, PAAP), which is often the result of carbon monoxide poisoning. Says a lot about my low-key obsession with Todd Haynes’ ‘Safe’ lol. Also, Carol White’s all-white outfit ft. Emily Dickinson’s wearing only white......)

> The Moon is almost full, the thought of it makes me anxious.

> The ‘On this day’ Facebook app is so stressful, yet I can’t help checking it out on a daily basis lol... Five years from today (april 9th) I was sharing Gary Jules’ ‘Mad World’ videoclip* along with some lines from the songs (probably the ones that most spoke to me at the time). Before that it had already been a very important/present song in my life; during certain periods I would listen almost exclusively to it in an endless row. Somehow towards the end of my senior year, it became even more haunting... Wowowow remembering is such an odd process — unexpected memories keep barging in as I’m writing this (it feels like a long while since I’ve last had such hectic brain activity ha).

Thinking of that last semester in secondary school obviously brings me back to the fire we had in our apartment. The weeks and months (I’d even say years but I’m not sure it’s all that connected) that followed were chaotic and I find the images and impressions I keep the most vivid memories of quite surprising. For instance, we stayed at our neighbour Mireille’s for a couple of weeks right after the incident (it was also during those weeks that my mother told my stepfather she wanted divorce). On Friday evenings we watched a singing competition on TV (The Voice France, who am I trying to fool) and there was this girl, Al.hy, I really liked. I don’t know for how long after this performance of hers sent me trippin’ every time I would listen to/watch it (also, judging from this video, my sister still looked a lot like Jenifer in it and it was a pretty good time in our relationship — it’s gotten colder, almost bitter). (Note to self: how come you still haven’t gotten more into Kate Bush?) With hindsight, I now can tell that I was able to go back to school despite the events and actually do very well for my finals (though I have very little memory of that — it all feels like a handful of weeks, not three whole months) because I was dissociating so hard. Yeah, probably the longest dissociative episode of my life... When summer vacations started, I slowly gained back a sense of realness and tangibility. It turned out so violent after all this time being numb that I had a major depressive episode for two months at least (July and August thus). I remember living with my mother in the apartment my stepfather had found for himself while he was living in our former one during the reconstruction work (we only moved back around October); that apartment had an amazing view from the rear windows. I remember the heatwaves that added to the dramatic and unbearable character of everyday life. I remember writing overly sentimentalist notes in a notebook. I remember not being able to go out or actually going out and having to go back “home”. I remember hating my body and becoming obsessive with my daily workouts. I remember watching Catherine Frot’s filmography with my mother. I remember going through an awkward and tough patch with my best friend and not seeing each other for a long time (sending each other very weird emails I’m glad I wasn’t able to find back later). I remember discovering and rewatching ‘Martyrs’ several times over the span of a few days — I believed it changed me and I couldn’t distance myself from it. I remember loving Jodhi May lol. I remember not having any control on my hair washing OCD: I would take several showers a day and wash my hair every day (it was hard not to do so more than once), even at past midnight — when I think of this period one of the first words that comes to my mind is “dirty” (then I guess it’s a sensation very closely associated to my most disrupted periods). I remember the kitchen and its table, actually I remember the whole apartment quite clearly. I remember misophonia being particularly severe (and I’m kinda nervous to note that I feel it has lately become as bad as it was at the time). What a mess...

‘Mad World’ videoclip reminds me of two things. First, Hey Arnold’s  ‘Pigeon Man’ episode...  An epiphany. I like to imagine Jim Jarmusch drawing his inspiration from this episode to write and direct ‘Ghost Dog’. Second is a book I had to read for my French class in my third year of secondary school: Philippe Delerm’s ‘L’Envol’. It was probably not even that good but it was another key self-revealing item from my adolescence. While discussing it in class, I remember the teacher — she was sitting right in front of me — noting in a very sad but compassionate tone: “Some people are just not made for life”. I understand how it can be misinterpreted or ill-received but at the time it really touched me and came as a relief, regarding my father (though I’ve had/still have a hard time admitting it), regarding myself and my conception of life and death. Actually this sense of relief is still accurate up to this day. It doesn’t matter (shouldn’t matter) but this was the same teacher I was talking about (the one who had passed me by some time ago) in a previous post. I shouldn’t summon too many memories from that time, considering it’s one of which I’m most ashamed of. Just gonna leave this here...

The “On this day” app also managed to remind me, a few days ago, that the last time I visited Tunisia was in April 2009. Eight years that feel rather as an eternity. It’s one of the visits “back home” (that’s a lie) I keep the fondest memory of. Especially one particular day when my aunt and uncle introduced me and my mother to a married couple of friends, very sweet and gentle people who had a beautiful house outside the city. They invited us for lunch and while we were sitting at the table in the kitchen their son came in and gave two red roses he had picked in the garden to my aunt and mother. I felt very left out lol. Then we drove with them even further into the countryside (I can’t remember where in Tunisia it was or even if it was near Sousse or not). We arrived at the husband’s mother’s “farm”, where she lived and also had a vast plantation of olive trees. Her name was Zrira (/s5ira/) which means small, little one (or petite in French). And indeed she was so small, small and warm. I had never felt so heartily welcomed before. The wife’s name was Rouza (rose) but I’ve forgotten the husband’s. We visited the plantation and a bit of the farm where I got to see a beautiful cow. Rouza and Zrira were drawing water from a well (was it on a cliff?) as I was taking a couple pictures of them. I’ve been trying to find those pictures for a couple of years now. I can’t for the life of me recall whether I took them with a disposable camera or my phone (if it’s the latter, chances are I will never get them back). The sky was grey, I think it even rained (April is generally a rainy season in North Tunisia) but still it’s one of my dearest memory.

Maybe I should learn Arabic after all... I think a lot about Tunisia lately. Maybe it’s associated with my father’s death date, which was on March 31st, 2002. Was it the 31st or the 21st? One of them is his death date, the other his birthday but I’ve always mixed them up. Anyway, 15 years ago — I’m not sure I feel anything about it. I miss the big jasmine tree in our front yard. My room’s smelled of jasmine for the past four days. Though it’s one of my favourite smells, at first it found me more disrupted than happy, more upset than nostalgic. But I’m cool now.

> My room smells of jasmine because on Thursday my mother and I went to a plant nursery/garden-centre (whatever the name is) 40 mn walk from our house (15 mn by the bus). It was so beautiful over there it got me emotional (cried a little a few times). We gathered some ideas for the garden. I even got to meet a gorgeous doggo (and petted him — lol that reminds me that the owner at some point told me it was okay to pet the dog but I’d already done so long before hehe). While the man was telling my mother about berries bushes, I felt a ray of sunshine piercing through the roof of the greenhouse and just as I turned around and looked up, a heron flew over slowly. My mother got me a potted jasmine plant and I chose a pale rose buttercup for my best friend, with whom I was supposed to meet the day after. We walked all the way back home, me hugging the plants in my arms and sucking on a lollipop offered for free at the checkout counter. I love Spring, way more so even since I’ve moved here. Sometimes I’m afraid I’m only meant to love Spring and everything is doomed to be unbearable.

> When have I come to hate the Moon, especially at its fullest? Maybe I do not. I most likely do not. As the Moon keeps refilling inevitably I am reminded of how little I have in my hands — more dreadful: how what little I have in my hands is left untouched and uncared for. I shy away from the Moon because it is at once the judge, the witness and the proof of an abject motionless life and le bourreau is never as terrible as when hidden in the dark in total silence.

> Today I got to see the first cows of the year outside!!! Is it finally the time they’re taking them out? I wish I could dream of cows — that would be a very soft dream. I’ve often daydreamed that in the Summer I could lie down in the grass and take a nap, curling up against the warm side of a cow. I’ve had several dreams with horses but they were more like nightmares... or anxiety-filled dreams I guess. Somewhat for me horses fit that atmosphere of tension and on-edge nerves. Sometimes I wouldn’t even get the full picture of a horse, only its franticly galloping legs — and the sound that comes with it. In reality I am lightly afraid of them; an uneasy sort of feeling when being around some, though on the other hand I am mostly thrilled. I find them most impressive at night. And for some reason they always appear to me out of the blue, completely unexpected. Unlike many of my others fears, the one I have for horses I’m willing to overcome.

> O-K-A-Y crazy day today + one of the most beautiful and intense moments of my life (as well as one of the most needed).

I passed my theory driving license exam. Now that the easiest is behind, I can go on with the real hassle lol.

Had yet another fight with mother that ended in a monologue/therapy session but at least it helped release some of the tension.

On the evening walk with the dog, while the sun was slowly setting, the moment happened. I went back to the field where I saw the cows the other day. I stood still behind the fence, watched them graze. I’d been there for a couple minutes, occasionally waving at the ones that were glancing at us when all of sudden a first one started striding towards us and immediately after the rest of them followed. There they were, fourteen (!!!) beautiful cows standing in line in front of me, all curious though a little cautious (farouche would suit perfectly here). I stayed there a good 20 minutes, reaching my hand out so that they could smell (and lick haha) my fingers. After a few minutes I could even carefully pat a couple of them on the head and feed them some grass. Leaving was so hard, and I didn’t have a camera with (not that it mattered) but as I was walking away backwards they formed this breath-taking picture against the flaming setting sun. I think of cows all year round. I cried and tried hard to be there.

During that same walk we also saw three pheasants running through fields and a couple of beautiful birds.

I was talking about how I’d been feeling, or rather not feeling lately (catatonia and so on) and I didn’t realise I was digging my nail into my palm so hard that it’d been bleeding all the while. It isn’t even that I’m exhausted. I only feel like sleeping par dépit. What else is there to do?

> I’m feeling kinda sad for the ice-cream man who’s just driven by my window in his van, chiming his bells tune and slowing down every other metre even though it’s a very cloudy and rainy day, with no one outside.

> Some events from a week ago, on a Sunday, when it was still as warm as a Summer day.

On one of the flowers of the potted buttercup I’d bought for my best friend, I found a tiny snail. I let it slither along my hand and fed it some lettuce before taking it outside in the garden with me. I named it Edgar II, after Edgar I, the snail I had encountered on a trip to the seaside about 4 years ago.

I said it before: it’s this time of the year when all the sheep are having babies, most of them have gotten bigger already. That day, in one of the pastures closest to our house, where two sheep and a lamb have been living, the lamb was particularly curious and playful that evening. It wanted to get closer to the dog and also reached my hand with his tiny pink snout (so soft!) every time I stretched it out. When my mother did the same, it started sucking her finger. A bit further on, on a plot of land where there were about thrice as many sheep and ten times as many lambs, the latter were even more lively. As we were feeding one of the adults some grass, a whole flock of about ten lambs ran through the plot. What a view.

> Over two weeks ago, I went to the open campus day of the University in town. It was an exhausting and exhilarating day for the most part. But I zoned out completely before it was even finished, and now my clearest memory is the imposing magnolia in bloom in the centre of a small inner courtyard of the Languages Department. I sat there drinking chocolate milk. On that day I was also reminded of how exciting languages are! Also I met a cute mom lol. I felt even more lost once the visit was over but I was kind of proud. (Dissociative crisis ensued.) Ah yeah, I won a contest (we were supposed to recognize as many languages as possible upon hearing students reciting passages of ‘The Little Prince’ in 20 languages — I got all of them right) and my prize was a sweater with the department’s initials printed on the back lol.

Almost forgot that on the evening I attended a multiple screening of some Franco Piavoli’s works. He was there and his presentations and conclusions seemed never-ending and most people were rude and disrespectful. But I love his films. I don’t know, it’s been too long, I forgot. I’m scared.

> Today: Easter breakfast prepared with love by mother. On the evening walk, petted my favourite lamb as if it were a dog — its eyes were closing with pleasure as I was scratching its head (reminded me a bit of the sensation of Bellustre the poodle’s soft top of the head). And most importantly, went back to the cows. They ran to me again, shoot a bit this time, fed them some carrots, they’re the best.

> So piano has made sort of a low-key comeback lately, in my heart and mind more than in the facts but still... Not gonna get into detail here and now for I might just break the spell (so scared it’s already happened). Only wanted to tell this. We moved the piano in a more appropriate place last week. On the day that followed mother went visited my grandma who apparently happened to ask her if “there was anything going on with my music and my piano because she’d thinking about it the past few days”... She knows I quit playing some years ago. It’s as if she’d sensed it. It made me feel good and closer to her again since things had gotten a bit tense on my side ever since the period she was staying at the hospital. We’re connected despite everything.

> I genuinely and whole-heartedly value kindness. Nothing makes me feel more at ease in society than people who perpetrate acts of absolute selfless kindness. A few occurrences that continue to make me smile weeks after:

I had sent a email to a former Italian teacher of mine before Spring break, to brief him about my current situation and potential plans and ask him for tips and advice on how to maintain my Italian skills and perhaps increase my knowledge by reading some authors. His first reply came on the following day and everything from the way he formulated the quick couple of sentences he wrote to the very content of his message (he was to elaborate more on the weekend for he was in a hurry that morning) sounded so well-meaning. After that I didn’t get another answer for over two weeks lol... But one came today that I was hardly even expecting any more. A very helpful one with that.

I remember going to the cinema, also before Spring break, with mother to see a doc called ‘You Have No Idea How Much I Love You’ (of course we had to see that one). Afterwards, as we were waiting on a platform for our train back home, we were eating spring-rolls when the station master came out of his office just to give us a bunch of paper napkins. HOW SWEET?!! When our train arrived I quickly knocked on his window to wave thank you and goodbye.

Old lady helping another old lady and his man get safely to their seats in the bus.

> On the other hand I react very badly (though it’s mostly internalized) to being ignored. It’s happened one too many times lately, for instance my former piano teacher never replied to my mail asking him for advice on how and where to pick it up again. Good thing I eventually got some feedback from the Italian teacher.

> I read this article on the too-soon-to-be-called-a-loss of the first language and I actually shed tears lolilol. I know there are some truths I’m gonna have to face now.

> The night before last night (I think) I had a dirty dream about Martha Argerich. [Except I’d left this last part aside and have only inserted it back now so I’m not sure which night I was referring to.]

OK! I’ve been writing this over the course of 9 days I think. WAY TOO LONG, if you want my opinion but well.